Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries Paperback – May 15, 2013
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Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication And Boundaries Paperback – May 15, 2013

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S**ﻦ

Silk Shares Wisdom About Relationships

The intrusion of technology into our lives has increased the time spent interacting with machines and reduced the time spent interacting with people. Because developing healthy relationships take time, the reallocation of time away from development of healthy relationships has contributed to declining civility and increasing violence, both at home and in public places. Against this rather bleak environment, an emerging role for the church in these postmodern times has been to teach the basic relational and social skills that can no longer be assumed to exist: enter Danny Silk.In his book, Keep Your Love On, Danny Silk starts by writing:“I wrote this book to help people build, strengthen, and heal their relational connections.” (11)Silk sees three themes as components of healthy relationships—connection, communication, and setting boundaries (12)—and he structures his book around these three themes. Let me turn to each of these themes in turn.Connection. Silk starts his discussion of connection by distinguishing powerful people from powerless people, writing:“You need to be a powerful person. Powerful people take responsibility for their lives and choices. Powerful people choose who they want to be with, what they are going to pursue in life, and how they are going to go after it.” (20)Being powerful is important in relationship because:“A healthy, lasting relationship can only be built between two people who choose one another and take full responsibility for that choice.” (20)Powerless people are driven by fear and anxiety in making choices and look to other people to fill in for their perceived lack of power (21-24); powerful people realize that they can only control themselves and do not look to others to solve their problems (25). Consequently, it is powerless people who feel a need to role-play as victims, villains, or rescuers (23), because these roles focus on sharing power that powerless people feel they lack, as Silk writes:“Powerless people use various tactics, such as getting upset, withdrawing, nagging, ridiculing, pouting, crying, or getting angry, to pressure, manipulate, and punishing one another into keeping their pact” [in being victims, villains, or rescuers] (24).Real love is a challenge for powerless people because being deeply insecure in themselves they approach relationships as consumers (21) who have trouble being full partners in relationships … Obviously, a lot more can be said about the subject of connection and relationships.Communication. Silk sees communication as a transaction between the inner and outer life, citing Jesus:“The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45 ESV; 81)Silk sees powerful people insisting on assertive communication where: “My thoughts, feelings, and needs matter and so do yours” (86), not motivated by fear. Powerless people are governed by fear, trying “to hide what is really going on inside” (81), not able or willing to communicate on an equal basis. Instead, powerless people adopt a passive communication style (you matter, I don’t), an aggressive style (I matter, you don’t), or a passive aggressive style (you matter, but not really) (82-84).Silk offers some helpful advice on dealing with these three powerless, communication styles:“A powerful assertive communicator responds to a passive person with, ‘What are you going to do about it?’ They respond to an aggressive person with, ‘I can only talk with you when you decide to be respectful.’ And they respond to a passive aggressive person with, ‘We can talk later when you choose to be responsible and tell me what is really going on.’” (87)Clearly, not everyone starts out as an assertive communicator—Silk himself admits that he started out as a passive communicator married to an aggressive communicator. Because he had to learn to be an assertive communicator paying attention to the needs of others, there is hope for the rest of us.Boundaries. Silk begins his discussion of boundaries by observing:“…not everyone should have the same access to you. You are responsible to manage different levels of intimacy, responsibilities, influence, and trust with people in your life.” (124)Silk starts by recounting several stories about Christians who did not understand this issue of levels of intimacy and counters these stories by observing that “Jesus prioritized certain relationships over others”, as in (most intimate) =>God the Father=>John=>Peter, James, and John=> the twelve disciples=>other disciples=>spectators=>everyone else (125). He goes on to state:“I love lots of people through my ministry. I counsel them, pray with them, laugh with them, and cry with them. But that’s it. They don’t get the bulk of my time, attention, or money. They don't get to know my heart and influence my decisions. After our few hours together, I leave those people at church and go home to my family and close friends.” 128-129)This insight into Silk’s own relationships might come as a shock to many Christians who have trouble establishing such priorities and maintaining them, especially Silk’s comment about the “God-spot” (126), reserved only for God—not spouse, not work, not kids, not political causes, and so on. You get the idea—if not, remember how the Ten Commandments start out:"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery."You shall have no other gods before me."You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.” (Exod 20:2-6)Danny Silk’s book, Keep Your Love On, is an important resource for church groups, readable, and interesting. Before I had finished the first 20 pages, I started thinking of all the people that I would like to share this book with, especially newlyweds and family members. Read it; discuss it; share it. You will be glad that you did.[1] [...]

A**Y

A transformational tool that "reparented" me & empowered me to create a life that I love to live!

KYLO has brought the love scriptures to life in giving key ways to live them out in life, to exemplify it.My approach to relationships has changed in many ways.1-I see the importance of value and honor of others as created in the image of God. God created them to be powerful and make choices.If He thought they were worth dying for why would I see them any differently just because they make choices, live lives, or belief ways that are differently than I do? Understanding more clearly that this does not mean that I will keep someone abusive or disrespectful in my closest relationships . There may be times they lose their close place in my life from their choices, but my love, honor and value for them, myself and others is to remain strong regardless of how they treat me or the messes they make.2- I am able to approach others with healthy boundaries and not be afraid or their agreement or acceptance of me or my family.I will allow my husband and children to be powerful and set healthy boundaries with others in how they manage their “yes” and “no” even if that means they don’t want to do something that I would like to do.3- I have also grown in my ability to desire to help empower others and not reduce their power trying to control them so that I am comfortable. No longer feeling the need to manipulate situations to always be ‘’like I think they should be or want them to be.” Celebrating others in their uniqueness and choices even if I don’t understand completely.4-My ability and desire and practice of listening to truly understand others, their heart, their dreams and goals. Not to judge them, not to try to prove my point, prove them wrong or get them to agree with me. I have seen huge shifts in this area of my life as I have applied the KYLO 5 principles taught in this book.5-KYLO has helped me to understand how God designed me for connection and how childhood wounds that I carried have caused me to have unhealthy relationship patterns, communicate disrespectfully, move out of fear and not love, and have no clue of healthy boundaries- I now feel like I have been reparented and empowered to step into a life that I love to live in and set a better “more Christ like example” to my children!My hope has been ignited, my joy has been increased and my love has been transformed towards GOD, myself, my precious family, friends and the Body of Christ!

C**N

spoke to my need

I so appreciate this book and this author who has allowed God to teach him how to do relationship and how to connect.Connection is the single most important need humans have, first to God, then to others. I read this at a time I was struggling over what healthy looked like in a strained relationship. This book provided the clarity and confidence I needed to become healthy in that relationship. Thank you, Danny and thank you Yeshua.

S**R

A how-to guide on how to be powerful

My boyfriend and I read the devotional related to this book every day. I think my boyfriend has bought no less than 30 copies and just passed them out to everyone who will receive it. It’s that good.I found out about this book when I took a $2500 communication class aimed at single Christian women. I’m telling you I could’ve saved myself $2500 and just bought this book. It is a manual on how to build a bridge between your heart and the rest of the world with communication. We all need help with that. Especially today. If you want to step into real power, read this book and do everything it says.Also, it’s funny and practical. Highlights include trunk monkey and Charlie Sheen-o-sphere.

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